Dr. Shonda Finkle, the perplexed plastic surgeon whom Burroughs approached, shared her insights with us. 'In my thirty years as a plastic surgeon, I have seen many unusual requests, but this, this is something else.'
While the procedure to install an artificial appendix has never been performed or even contemplated until now, Finkle admitted she was intrigued by the notion. 'Most people never think about their appendix once it's removed. In fact, most medical textbooks refer to the organ as 'vestigial'. But Burroughs swears he can recall a distinct 'appendix ache' that he's been missing since his childhood surgery.'
Burroughs has not been dissuaded by the unknowns anchoring the procedure. 'I've been consulting other professionals to help design the perfect appendix for me. Industrial designers, engineers, sculptors—they've all been chipping in. It's quite the project.'
Statistically, only about 7% of Americans have had an appendectomy, making Burroughs part of a relatively small pool. The number of those who yearn for an artificial replacement, however, remains a curious one-man statistic.
Notably, Butterbean Elementary School, where Burroughs had to undergo the appendectomy at a school health check, surprisingly still maintains the highest appendectomy rate in Texas. As the school nurse, Edna Wilkins noted, 'we just don't take any chances with abdominal pain around here.'
While the medical world awaits this unprecedented surgery, Dr. Barry Marshall, the physician who famously infected himself with H.Pylori to confirm its connection to stomach ulcers, announced he'd be next. 'If Burroughs can miss an appendix he's never really known, what about my tonsils?', questioned Marshall.
In the evocative words of Burroughs to those who still remain in doubt of his endeavor, 'In a topsy-turvy world where Bitcoin has value and our phones monitor our steps, why can't a man simply want his appendix back?'